D is for Dominican

It's not that I've been trying to hide it, because I most certainly am not ashamed of it.
But I also haven't been as public about it either since I found out I was going.

The first week of January I will be on a flight to the Dominican Republic. For more than a week, I get to teach bible songs in Spanish. And love on babies who may not know who Christ is. And are probably wondering why this white girl is here with them of all places. Because of all people picked to be a missionary, I'm probably the most un-stereotypical missionary there ever was. I'm a little more blunt than some would like, and my sarcastic attitude probably isn't the Holiest trait I could possess. But that's the cool thing about the Lord- He chooses who He wants. And he prepares their hearts the way He sees fit. So I will go.

Words cannot rightfully express how ecstatic I am to be there, especially considering the road that helped me get to this point. God's timing is mindblowing. Insane. Absolutely perfect and often tends to blindside us.

Last year, I was at Auburn. After a number of events, I ended up moving to Mobile to work in a salon and try out the field of cosmetology. The best perk of living in Mobile again was getting to attend the church I grew up in. Literally hadn't stepped in those doors since I was sixteen until last August. I was so happy to be in a familiar place, the college pastor was the same person who used to be my middle school pastor. Makes me feel super old! I kept seeing notices about a trip to the Dominican, and so desperately wanted to go. But there was only one spot left, and I told myself there was probably someone else who deserved to go much more than me. I had been on tons of mission trips growing up, and I felt selfish every time I even considered going. So I prayed about it, that God would prepare the hearts of those going and that I would get the opportunity to help with whatever fundraisers they would be participating in. All the while, I never once voiced my interest or attempted to get involved. I just figured that God would work things out. Weeks passed and by word of mouth I heard the trip was closed. While I was happy that they had a team, I couldn't help but have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

And then one day my pastor texted me to see if I was busy. I think in that moment,  I may have had a flash back to middle school when I was afraid of being in trouble by him so I automatically started freaking out and trying to figure out what I could have done to be in trouble... I also may have snuck in a few hail Marys, even though I'm baptist. Typical me. And then he called me. A spot had opened in the trip, and he said  my name came to mind. My first thought was of course, because he had to have known how badly I wanted to go. And then I remembered I hadn't told a soul about my interest in the trip. And then, he said that he wasn't making a mass call, that the spot would probably fill very quickly, but he thought I should have the opportunity to take it. Wow.  So of course I said yes. And then I cried. And then I spent the next few hours freaking out and trying to contain myself. This was real, and I would be going. Holy orphanage, are you for real right now Jesus?

I am so humbled at God's plan for each of us. His timing, the way He moves us from one place in our life to another, so effortlessly, ensuring every last detail is taken care of. Every challenge and experience and goodbye is what brought me to that church in that city and that phone call. And all of that is bringing my heart and what little I have to give back to the Kingdom to the Dominican Republic.

To love the "least of these."
Although I'm sure those orphans have more joy and gentleness than I'll ever have.
To lead them in song.
Although I'm positive the sound of so many children singing to their Maker is more beautiful than any sound I'll ever make.
To touch their lives.
Although I know that their impact on my heart will be far greater than my impact on theirs.

I firmly believe that the love people are shown when they are small develops their attitude for the rest of their lives. Neglect teaches children not to let people in. False love, through presents and trips, rather than through examples of Christ's love for us, teaches children to love things rather than people and the Lord. But love through Christ.... that teaches them everything. All it takes is a planted seed. So, people... get your gardening gear ready.

Knowing that soon I'll be spending my time with these children is literally what gets me out of bed in the morning, and into the real world... This road has been challenging financially and emotionally but God has provided in every sense of the word.

So I ask all of you to pray for my team, and for these babies. I feel so unprepared but I know He has his reasons. Growing up, I always said I wanted to be a missionary. So maybe this is God's way of showing me the path I am called to take. There is so much I want to say right now, but it would never be enough.
I am so grateful.
My heart is so full.

So tell me whatcha want, whatcha really really want....

If you don't recognize this cartoon I am deeply sorry for the empty black space that was your childhood. Tom and Jerry was one of my favorite cartoons growing up; I spent countless Saturday mornings sitting on my dad's lap in his cobalt blue La-Z-Boy, and I always had to be on his left side because I claimed I was "closer to your heart this way daddy." I loved watching Tom cat chase Jerry all around that house, always getting outsmarted at his own game by the little mouse. It was exciting because there were always new tactics Tom would use to catch Jerry, but they never worked. Because if they did, the show would be over. Tom would eat Jerry and be satisfied for a few minutes until he found something new he wanted, or became hungry again. Theoretically speaking, if cats could think, as soon as he spotted something else he wanted or felt hunger pangs, he would realize that he spent years chasing something that was beneficial to him for only a fleeting moment. This show is a perfect representation of how people act on a daily basis.

We act this way towards other people, and the worst part about it is we usually have no idea we are doing it at the time. More often than not, we find ourselves feeling interested in someone and convince ourselves that what we feel for them is genuine and worth pursuing. But in reality, we are only interested in the chase. We put so much effort into convincing this other person we are worth being with, and when they finally give in, we realize they aren't anything special to us anymore, and they never really were. The chase was never about making them feel wanted or appreciated, it was about the satisfaction we get from knowing we can do something right and be wanted in return. How fickle and selfish. Before you convince yourself that this new person you're interested in is the bees knees and the cats pajamas, and totes worth all your money, time, and  lies in an effort to win them over, think about it one more time. The outcome isn't fair to either of you, and the void you're filling is one that gets empty again very fast.

Will Smith said it best: "Too many people spend money they haven't earned, on things they don't want, to impress people they don't like." We waste time, money, and emotions chasing and trying to impress people for the stupidest reasons. We go shopping for the latest trends just to get people to look at us so we can find satisfaction in knowing that someone out there is jealous of something we have. A wise female thug with pink hair once said "I let my haters be my motivators." Ha! What a sad life, and we all kind of live it to an extent. We have to buy a new outfit because so and so will be at a certain event this weekend. And if they're gonna be looking at you, you best give them something good to look at! But you know you'll be back at the store next week buying more new crap you don't need. If you really want to go through life buying new cars, pretty clothes, and getting your hair done to  impress people that hate you, be my guest. You are disregarding the fact that your real friends take you as you are: kind of a weirdo, wearing a wrinkled tshirt, and not in debt.

You don't need useless crap to make you happy or worthwhile.

So go ahead and rack up that AmEx with ridiculous things. Spend an hour and a half getting ready for a date with someone who doesn't give a damn about you as a person, only what you can do for them. Wear that new outfit to a party where you will stand in a room with tons of people you don't want to be around in the first place. Take pictures of your new hair and put them on facebook and sit all day in the glory of getting seven likes on that photo. You are really winning at life.

Reevaluate your priorities and get back to me on if you're really happy or not.

It's all greek to me.

I cannot believe my freshman year of college is over. Standing in my best friends dorm (that's you Audrey & Caroline) as we packed the last few things up and took them to her car, I felt like I had no idea where the time had gone. Her walls were bare, just a few little things here and there. It felt all too familiar, just like when we first arrived at college, so eager to get started and have our parents gone. But I couldn't get it through my head that we were leaving, not just getting here. We were done, not just getting started. I still can't really grasp it. All of the things that girls in each sorority bragged about during rush week have already passed. I had no idea what was coming for me when I opened my bid. I thought I did, but I had no idea. We went to the pledge mixers- I really have no comment for that. We had our pledge retreat- where I shared a bed with a complete stranger who I now call my best friend (that's you again odge). We got our bigs and grandbigs and twins, and exchanged paddles and arrows and study boards we worked on for days. We sported pins on gameday and rolled Toomers corner after every win- we kept the Auburn tradition alive and well despite attempts from others to tear that down. We went through  initiation and painted the chairs we would sit on every Monday night for chapter with angel wings, halos, and our initials. We won Greek Week, and supported my beautiful twin as she so flawlessly represented us in the pageant with poise and grace (still so proud of you, Kristen). We went to the haunted farm for Halloween- and I ripped my favorite jeans running from a man with a chainsaw (again. thanks for witnessing that, Audrey). We had our tacky Christmas party. We ordered a thousand tshirts, and yes we needed all of them. We had our themed socials and went all out, every time. We spent countless nights crafting, watching movies, getting thirds on Momma G's nachos (I'm lookin at you, Rhyan). We won Derby Days. We had a candlelight and got teary eyed as the new bride to be showed her engagement ring (thanks for laughing at me Katelin). We got dolled up for formal and took the traditional Samford lawn pictures that will forever be framed in my house and someday my nursing home (y'all better visit me, I'll still be fun). We spent tonight, our last night in Auburn, crowded around the same table at Acapulco's that we usually sat at pretty much weekly, starting back when we had all just gotten close, and now look where we are. With tears and laughter we said our goodbyes in the parking lot (Caroline, Audrey, Sara, Emily, Hannah, Rhyan, and Lindsey, thanks for letting me be the center of the group hug. I'll never forget it). This was arguably, by many people I know, supposed to be the best year of my life and it's already done.

 Before joining a sorority, I viewed people who were Greek as being all the same. And for the most part, we are. Just like any other organization, from hobby to academic clubs, we share interests, priorities, and goals. But each one of my sisters and friends, greek or not, have brought into my life so many new things, each leaving a special little part of themselves with me, and taking in turn a special part of me with them. Or I hope at least. I never knew that I could love people so equally but differently all at the same time, and what a great blessing that has been. I never thought that being greek would bring me anything more than a social status and something to do on the weekends. But now that I've gotten to be on the other side, I see that that's the farthest thing from what being greek is about. For me it was never ever about the frat parties, beer, and being catty, drama filled girls like so many are led to believe. It was never about bragging rights (but it doesn't hurt that we have them) or feeling like you're better than anybody else or striving for perfection. It has all been so far from superficial. Truthfully, it's been about realizing that you're NOT better than anyone else. That you're accepted with imperfections and you're not asked to change them. It's been about knowing that no matter what it is you want to do, you're going to be supported and loved and encouraged. It's been about conducting yourself in a way that reflects class and nothing but positive things on not only yourself, but all of your sisters. Knowing who you are, and who you want to be, and that you're not alone for the journey. About trying to get good grades and spirit points because the excitement that comes from exec board when they say they are proud is priceless (Katie and Megan, y'all are precious and the best we could ever ask for).  Now on a different note... It's also been about discovering that there is not enough queso in the world to satisfy a Pi Phi (Rhyan and Lindsey, does this ring a bell?). That you're cared enough about for your sisters to tell you that you really do need to go fix your hair (I'd mention someone specific, but I think I'd reach a character limit, but mostly a big thank you goes to Kristen for teaching me your ways). That there really are some people out there who love a good cheesy outdoor picture as much as me (Emily Horner, I love that you love them.) That you must never, ever underestimate the power of a good FroYo date (ahem, Sara Wakefield). And that it's really okay to laugh so hard you embarrass everyone within a one mile radius. And that its so surprising how much better you'll feel after a few seconds in the parking lot. (You can go ahead and claim those last two odge).  The list goes on, but the more I remember the more I realize it isn't something you can understand from the outside looking in, so I am so thankful I got to share all of this with each of you.
I can't believe that it's all over. I have so many mixed emotions about leaving this chapter of my life, but I know that God is sovereign and He has such a perfect plan for me. (And that Skype exists.) I'm just grateful I got to share a year of these amazing memories with y'all. Even if it did go by way too fast.
So for the time being, let this be my thank you to everyone who has been a part of this year, whether or not you're my sister. I'll thank y'all later, individually. You know who you are. And you're all so priceless to me. I couldn't be more grateful.

A Grateful Heart

            "Gratitude is the feeling of being thankful or appreciative." That is what I found when I looked up the exact definition of gratitude. The website also went on to say, "An example of gratitude is how someone would feel if their friend did something exceptionally nice for them." I have a problem with this as the example of what gratitude is. Are we really only supposed to be grateful for the things that are "exceptionally nice?" I don't believe so. This past year has been continually challenging for me and has lately become even more so. I keep wondering when I will get a break and have things start turning around for me, and while it's good to have a positive spirit, I got so caught up in wanting more for myself that I missed what I already had. I've been taking every challenge as an obstacle that I have to simply survive through to get to the good stuff waiting for me, instead of analyzing what the reason for the obstacle was in the first place. I had it all wrong.
            -Here's an example that isn't too deep... I didn't have a smart phone until my senior year. I got my first phone in sixth grade, my parents were divorced and it just made things easier.  I was SO excited to get it, I was so thankful and kept squealing at my mom "You did NOT! You did NOT get me a phone!" But I quickly took it for granted. When it came time to get a new phone, I always wanted the best one on the market, but I usually ended up with the cheapest one. I went through 3 1/2 years of high school as one of the few people who still didn't have internet access. I begged and begged my mom to get me a better phone, one that had apps and games and internet when I had absolutely no reason for them. Of course I didn't realize this at the time, but I do now. And after a few months of having my smart phone, I started complaining that it froze, the internet wasn't as fast as the iPhone, etc. Soon after that, my screen cracked and it has even more glitches than before. I see now that maybe if I had appreciated the basic phone, my mom might have been more quick to get me that smart phone. If I had thanked her for simply replacing every teenage girl abused phone, which she didn't have to do, or if I had not been so careless with them in the first place, I might have had the nicer phone in my hands sooner. And now that my phone is in horrible condition, I'd gladly take back a frozen inbox every now and then. 
            And so brings me to the bigger picture. Looking back on the past year, and taking in how some small problems have turned into massive ones, accepting the lessons I have and am still learning from, I am so grateful for the mess I'm in. I am growing and learning and becoming a better, stronger, more benevolent person. Here's a recap:

             -Last fall, my brother was diagnosed with Cancer. (That is a whole different story in itself and is such a perfect example of how God works His perfect plan for our lives.) And as heartbreaking and traumatic as it was to accept that news, I am thankful that my brother and family and friends had to go through that. I'd never want to again, but I'm thankful for it. I was so angry at God for letting this happen. But through that experience, I learned that as always, God was working on something far more powerful than cancer. My family has had its share of difficulties but I am so blessed to say we haven't had to deal with many things like this. We've had crazy car wrecks, health scares, and other unfortunate circumstances but never anything that wasn't just another "close call" that we knew would be okay right off the bat. I took that for granted. This was the first time I was actually terrified I would lose a part of my family. I see now that although for the most part, the Wendells are pretty invincible, we are still human. And we still need to remember that we aren't promised another day. I now cherish my family even more and make a bigger effort to be sure I'm getting the most out of every text, phone call, and visit. I'm so happy to say that he is now healed and healthy and loving on his precious son that just turned four years old. Thank you Jesus. I am grateful.
            
             -I've struggled so much with how hard Auburn really is. I'm worried I may not get to experience all four years here, and keep wondering why God would send me here and allow me to be accepted if He knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. And then I realized I could be in one of two situations. Maybe I can handle it and it will all be fine. I'll get into the swing of things eventually and enjoy four years of War Eagle moments. Or, maybe God has something else for me, but knows how much I wanted the college experience of going to my dream school, being in a sorority, and being a part of the Auburn family before throwing me into a whole different scenery and life plan. Either  way, I know that God is sovereign. And I'm going to end up where I belong. If I'm not supposed to be here in the future, I won't be. I have other dreams and aspirations and I know that God wouldn't root those feelings so deeply within me if they meant nothing. But either way, I'm not going to waste time worrying and moping around about whether or not I'll be here in the future, when God has me here right now. I am grateful.


            -I am a really forgiving person, with  a servant's heart. That doesn't mean I use it as much as I probably should, but it's there and comes into play every single day. Because of these two character qualities, I quickly become the "go to" person for most people. And as much as I love doing things for other people, and I know I shouldn't ask for anything in return, it still hurts that it's rarely reciprocated. Recently, many people that I love and care about have hurt me in ways that I felt were irreversible. I now see that this attitude is unacceptable. "We love because He first loved us." Who am I to think it's appropriate for me to hold a grudge, when the Man who knows that person's heart and sees them for what they are still forgives them? I am nothing. It's not about me. So I am grateful for the people who hurt me, whether that is my family, my friends, my boyfriend, or a stranger. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to forgive them because it reminds me that my hands are just as dirty as theirs are, but God still looks at me and says "that one is mine." And while I know it would be foolish to believe that everyone can appreciate that and not continue to take advantage of me, I also know that in the end, by forgiving someone else I'm really freeing myself more than them. Because chances are, the other person is either completely oblivious to what they've done, or they've already forgiven themselves and have moved on. And that's enough for me. I am grateful.

It is easy to be grateful for things that make you happy. But it's good for the heart to be grateful for the things that are difficult. For the missed opportunities, because they often lead to more meaningful ones. For friends who take advantage of you, because it shows you the ones who appreciate you. For hard times in relationships, because they either allow you to be set free of someone that is toxic to your life, or to be shown how much they really mean to you. For the  mistakes you make, because they allow you to look at your heart on a deeper level. And despite the struggle, embarrassment, hurt, or whatever it may be that come with these things, you're allowed to be proud of the comebacks you make from them. Isn't that what it's all about? You learn and grow and become a better person... but you have to be grateful first.

Kony 2012

How precious are they. Just saying. Anyway, I don't even know where to begin with this. So it's gonna be scatterbrained. Long hair don't care. This post is not me trying to talk you into supporting Kony 2012 or getting you to join the Invisible Children club. So give it a chance. I wrote this because yes I'd love to share how I feel with the public but mostly, I just need to get things off my chest. So please, save yourself the time writing me a long drawn out argument because I'm not going to read or fight back.  And the last thing I would want to do is beg someone to fight for something they don't care about or disagree with.

First of all, I am THRILLED to see that the war in the Sudan is getting the attention it has deserved for the last 30 years. It is disgusting what is being done and just as disgusting that it has gone without attention. There have been news articles here and there since the 80's but no one really ever glanced twice. In my high school, the Invisible Children club was something I really enjoyed being involved in and was successful for the most part. Kony 2012 is NOT the first video made by IC. There are many others, and many clips from Kony 2012 are actually excerpts from them. This is not a new thing, obviously, since it has been going on for nearly 30 years, but the Invisible Children "movement" I guess you could say has been trying to get noticed for years. Many of the same people I went to high school are now becoming deeply concerned with what's going on with Joseph Kony after watching Kony 2012, and the sad thing is that for four years we were basically begging them to listen. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Because it's finally exposed. And before some of you get on your high horse claiming to be one of the "original" people helping this movement, just stop. If that's what is important to you, I would hardly classify that as the attitude of a humanitarian. So don't call all these people "bandwagoners." If people are hopping on a bandwagon that is focusing on the welfare of children, I don't understand how anyone in their right mind could take offense to that. Now let me get back on track... When Obama sent troops over to Uganda in October, the news article was barely two paragraphs long and the overall coverage on the story was minimal. Who are we to blame for this delay and lack of information? Who's fault is it that people are just now becoming aware? I'm not sure if it's our fault as a country for becoming numb to what is going on in third world countries, or the media for understanding our lack of concern, thus labeling it as something that doesn't "concern" or "interest" the majority of America as viewers and readers, and not wasting their time covering these current events. I think the major reason for this is because from what I observe in everyday conversation, social media, etc. is that many people see third world countries and most of the continent of Africa as a lost cause altogether. The late night Feed the Children commercials have become something we are used to. It isn't shocking or upsetting to most people. The general attitude toward these issues is that there will always be hunger, they're all dying of AIDS anyway, even if I do pay 25 cents a day, they are all basically sentenced to death so it doesn't matter. Who cares if they can't afford an education. It's not like they need that to farm. And now, who cares if they are child soldiers? It's not like they were doing anything with their lives in the first place. WRONG. They are human beings. And no human being should be subject to these kinds of atrocities.

This is not just about Joseph Kony. This is not about donating three dollars to TRI and buying your Kony 2012 Kit. This is not about publicity for Invisible Children. That may be what it is to some, but that's not what it should be. This should be about standing up for our fellow man and claiming them as a human being. A child of God. A person with the potential for greatness. Worthy of a life without fear.  Liberation. Putting an end to rape and sex slavery. Ensuring that children can go to sleep at night without the fear of being snatched from their homes. Ending wars. Taking back stolen childhoods. And I'm not just talking about in the Sudan. And I'm not talking about in Somalia. I'm talking about everywhere, all the time, in the past, right now, in the future. 2012 is not going to be the end of the world, but I do believe it could be the beginning of the end of a war. An emotional one. The war against ourselves. Against indifference, and turning our cheek to our neighbor when they're in need. The war against ignorance and being uneducated about what's going on in our world today. The war against basically everything that essentially leads to a militaristic war.

There is so much hype going on with Invisible Children. Criticism on how their money is spent, if everything they're saying is really true, who they actually support, etc. I've read the "visible children" article. I've read the articles that defend IC from what is said in the visible children article. And I encourage you to as well. Educate yourself as much as possible when it comes to this and take your OWN stance on what you believe because if all you have done is simply watch the Kony 2012 video, I am sorry, but you are still so naive to what is going on. There are hours of film you can watch on this, both provided by Invisible Children and not.  I am so excited about the Invisible Children club getting started at Auburn and if you support IC I would be overjoyed for another member. But I honestly could care less whether or not you agree with Invisible Children as a group or not. Because, like I said, this isn't about them. By supporting what is going on with Kony 2012 and encouraging you to as well, I am in no way asking you to claim yourself as an "Invisible Children supporter." It's not about a label. This is about bringing justice that is long overdue. You don't have to spend any money to do your part to stop this. Pick up the phone and call someone. A senator, or a family member that isn't aware of what's going on. Write letters to people in our government expressing how you feel. This war was going on long before Invisible Children was created, they don't have to be associated with each other if you don't want them to be. They don't have to go hand in hand. You can be an advocate for one without the other. Don't let your disagreement with a certain campaign stop you from taking action or caring about this situation if it has moved you. Stop telling people not to support the spread of the video just because you disagree with Invisible Children. The video is informational. Just because it says how you can get involved with IC doesn't mean you have to.

For those of who you do support IC, that's awesome for you. You're not alone. For those of you who don't, props for knowing your beliefs. You're not alone either. But either way, I encourage you to pray for this situation. For our government, for these children, for the LRA, and for Joseph Kony.

And if you really don't care about what's going on in the Sudan, then that's what floats your boat. But I hope that you are at least inspired to stand up for SOMETHING you believe in. In just a few days, millions of people have joined the fight to stop Joseph Kony. It shows that when exposed to the terrors that are so very real in our world, people want to do something about it. If your thing is Pro-Life, putting and end to world hunger, whatever, start a campaign. Be heard. Because you aren't the only person out there who wants to make a difference, and you're not the only one who cares. Many just don't know how or aren't aware of all of the things that are wrong with our society. So quit complaining that no one does anything for YOUR cause, or the troubled youth of America, and get off of your couch and YOU do something about it. You have the power to you know.

Everyone knew about the 72 day wedding. Few knew about the 30 year war... until now. It's your voice. I don't care what you do with it, but do SOMETHING with it.

Get some sense.

I'm going to start this out by saying I'm sorry. Not for everything that I'm about to say, but for being a part of a generation of young women that completely lack self-respect, and find this behavior to be acceptable. It's disgusting, embarrassing, and should not be tolerated. This should all be common sense. Here we go.

• Facebook and Twitter

-The bar/club/party pictures: It is not cute when you hold your solo cup level with your face. It takes less time to just put the cup or bottle down and take a picture you wouldn't hesitate to frame for grandma than it does to gather and pose with every available cup/bottle/cigarette available within a 500 ft radius. We understand, you're in high school or college and probably drinking. But it's really unnecessary to reiterate that you're consuming large amounts of alcohol and smoking by documenting it on social media. 

-Bathroom Mirror Pictures: Whatever, y'all are going to take them and most aren't that bad. But what's embarrassing is when you hike your leg up on the bathroom counter and lean over so that your cleavage would make Pamela Anderson herself envious. Gross.
-Bathing Suit Pictures: Everybody has some, I've got some. They're fun at the pool, layin out, and definitely at the beach. But don't sit there posing in the bathroom mirror uploading one every single day and then whine about not being able to find a nice guy that respects you. I AM LAUGHING AT YOU. And judging from the facebook post I made about this last week, so are about forty other people.
-The infamous boobs out, butt out, hand on hip so I look skinnier pose: You have 109 likes on your photo NOT because you are pretty but because you're posing like a contortionist and sticking out every available asset as far as possible. That cannot be comfortable, for you or for the teachers you added on facebook from last year.
-Picture captions: Oh my gosh I am so embarrassed just reading some of them... *nAtural Beauty..* HEhehe I'm a N3RD. Look at my glasses! SPR!NG BREAK B0D. ~~~~imperfect~~~~ .....quit that.
-"Oh mah y'alll GAahhhh I am sewwwwwwwwww drink!!!!!!!!! Sh00tttttss for everywhere LOSTMY SHOEs": Stop it. Now. No need to elaborate on this. And if you text this to people, be decent enough to apologize for texting them hieroglyphics the next morning.

• Boys.

I wish there were enough words to say how disappointed I am to hear some of these stories about girls. This just saddens me more than it aggravates me. If your parents didn't raise you not to sleep around, and if you read the following, you no longer have an excuse for your actions. Not that you really had one in the first place, but you've now been made aware of what you're doing, and if you continue to behave in the same manner the only person you have to blame is yourself.

-Just because a guy sleeps with you does NOT mean he likes you or even thinks you're remotely attractive. He texts you with smiley faces and calls you beautiful because he knows you're going to believe it. Yeah, it's sad that guys are like this, but you don't have to be a genius to figure out it's an act. I know that guys can be so manipulative but there's a reason that one of the first words you learned growing up was "no." So if you fall for it, stop lying to yourself, messaging him on facebook, texting him, etc. You only think that he's interested. You're under the impression that he's attracted to you and flirting with him will bring him back for more. But the only thing he's coming back for is to sleep with you. So stop. Cut off communication, put on some clothes, and move on with your life. Make a guy prove to you that you're different and worth more than that. And don't come at me saying that's hard to do. All you have to do to prove it is literally nothing. Don't sleep with him. If he still comes back, he genuinely likes you. COMMON SENSE Y'ALL.

-Sleeping around with an entire fraternity or friend group does not mean you're popular. It does not mean you're living the college girl dream. It does not mean they sit around the house talking about how you're sooo hot. It does not mean you're the frat sweetheart. But it does mean you're the slampiece. And they do sit around the house and talk about you. But you'd be embarrassed to hear what they're saying.

-Incessantly trying to get the attention of someone in a relationship: What the heck is your problem? You're embarrassing yourself to no end. And honestly you're disrespecting yourself more than the two people in that relationship, because you're allowing yourself to be a target. And if you're helping a guy cheat on a girl, I'm embarrassed for you. That doesn't make you "powerful" or better than his girlfriend. I mean he obviously doesn't care that much about his girlfriend, but he cares about you even less because he is still with her. You are second. And even if you are acting like a slut, you deserve better than to be second.

You do not need to cover your Facebook and Twitter with uncouth and trashy things to get attention. Unless you want attention from uncouth and trashy people. You do not need to sleep with every guy to feel like you're worth something, because the man that sees you for all of your worth is the one who created you. 

There is so much more I want to say but I'll leave it at that. Stop making a fool of yourself and leading the rest of society to believe that all girls ages 13-20 are like this. Because we aren't, and you're making all of us look bad.


****After being contacted and asked why I am so judgemental, I'd like to add this: I'm not judging, I clearly stated that I think girls like this deserve more than the negative feedback you get from guys. If I was judging I would have no sympathy. That's the purpose of this post. To make y'all aware that you are doing it to yourself.  If you want to go make a fool of yourself and scream YOLO as loud as possible, be my guest. But don't sit there and cry about not being respected or liked or about how you have an STD. That is all.

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Lies My Society Told Me

I think one problem with how we live our lives today is that so many people stop thinking for themselves and rely strictly on what society does about their problems. When in reality, every personal situation is different. There are several people I know who live their lives strictly based off of what cosmopolitan tells them to do, and on any given day, you can see the exact same "life quote" posted on facebook by at least three girls ages 12-22. We were given the ability to make decisions and analyze and think for ourselves... so why not do it? Here are two of these quotes/ideas that are generally accepted by society, and why I have a problem with them. Just because lately I see them more and more, and it's getting a little monotonous.

• "If he doesn't chase you when you walk away, keep walking." 

Okay, problem number one with this is that I know for a fact that many girls fake leaving a relationship just to see if the person they are with will chase after them. If you have ever done this, you're too selfish to deserve someone who will fight to get you back in the first place. It's not fair to the other person and you're playing with their emotions. So go ahead and break up. You've got some maturing to do. Second,  I don't think that this is true in every situation. Yes, if someone really loves you, more than likely they will chase after you and fight for you. But maybe that guy should let you walk away, because maybe he wants to give you a chance to see what you really what you want in life. I think that some people do need time to themselves in order to truly be happy. This goes along with the quote "If you love something, let it go... If it comes back its yours, if it doesn't, it never was." Two very popular quotes that cancel each other out. Is this making sense? If not, go watch the Notebook. The third problem that I have with this is that sometimes, when someone really loves you, they'll be honest enough to tell you when you are being ridiculous. If you ever faked running away when you were little, that's what I'm talking about. Your parents probably said "Alright, go ahead, we'll see how far you get." I don't think there's anything wrong with your boyfriend telling you that you're being dramatic for running away from your relationship when it gets a little hard. Because chances are, you are being dramatic. And maybe if you're bold enough to walk away, or at least pretend that you're walking away from the relationship, it isn't what you really want. Maybe you're the one who isn't fighting for it. Just something to think about.

• The idea that if you try hard enough, you'll change someone.

Just no. I think that the most common time this idea is used is with girls who chase after the "bad boy" type. Girls are basically obsessed with thinking that they can make a guy change for them. And I think it's rarely because they genuinely want to be with that person. I think a lot of it comes from pride, and wanting to know that they are good enough to have a guy commit to them. I'm sorry, and I hate to break it to ya, but most guys will only change for themselves.  If you've been dating a guy for months and he's still cheating, lying, whatever it is that he does that you're trying to change, give up. He's not changing any time soon, because he doesn't care enough about you to do so. It's really not worth all of your wasted time and energy and you're only getting hurt by it. If a guy really cares enough about a girl, he will realize that his actions aren't fair to her, and he'll change. But it has nothing to do with what you actually do to try to forgive and change him. He'll do it by himself. And besides, you deserve a guy who will give you everything you deserve in the first place. I have no idea how to stress this enough. Most guys are happy with their anti-commitment lifestyle, but they also use it as a vice to keep girls wanting them without having to commit. If a guy says he cares about you but just doesn't want a relationship, stop hanging on because he really, really doesn't want a relationship, even though you desperately try to prove that you'd be a good girlfriend. Also, take a hint and realize that this isn't just about him liking his single lifestyle, it's about the fact that he just doesn't care about you. Because I guarantee you're going to be hurt when a month later, a girl he does care about comes around and he's ready to commit. So if your relationship consists of nothing but you constantly forgiving him for his "old habits," then leave. If a guy says he cares but isn't ready to commit, quit fooling yourself. I think that's a pretty basic thing to grasp but girls are still obsessing over guys that treat them horribly, hanging on for a change that will never happen. If a guy really wants you, he'll do what it takes to make you happy and treat you right. I know this because I've seen it happen. But this change comes from them. Not you.

Stop making a fool of yourself and snap back to reality. Think logically. Be smart. It will save you a lot of grief. End rant.

Just wanted to say...

Thanks! I have only posted three entries and the number of views this page has gotten is a lot more than I ever expected it would in such a short time. I have gotten numerous facebook messages, tweets, texts and phone calls with so much support from you guys- I love knowing that the things I say mean something. So thank y'all so much for loving me and spending time reading my scatterbrained thoughts. Y'all are neat.

What is Love? Baby don't hurt meeee

I mainly titled this post with that line because that song is stuck in my head, but still. It's relevant. Let me just be as cliche as possible and post a blog about love on Valentine's Day.

I'm going to preface this by saying that every relationship is different. And I am not one to judge that. And let me also say that it is so important to appreciate the little things and the big things, and when you're happy about something, it's wonderful to share that. But I am so OVER the constant picture uploads, statuses, etc. about "My boyfriend is literally the best! No like seriously, look at this coke he bought me when we stopped to get gas. How sweet!? So in L0V3." Seriously? You really needed to upload a picture of that? Chances are you asked him to do so, and yeah that is sweet that he is taking on the role of your provider, but let's be real. That's a little unnecessary.
I recently saw a quote that put this into perspective for me. "A love on display is sure to fade." If you are constantly posting pictures, statuses everyday about how great your love life is etc, I am automatically convinced that it's actually not that great, and you're probably only in it for the satisfaction that comes from knowing someone is envious of you. Why do girls do this? Most of the time, anything anyone ever posts on facebook is to make everyone jealous, or to gain sympathy, or compliments. Whatever. We're human. Normal. But if you see your relationship as an opportunity to "compete" with other couples or to make other girls jealous, I think that's wrong. And you probably are too selfish to be in a relationship in the first place. Now don't get all upset, because I post things on occasion, and enjoy other posts like this sometimes too. I am a hopeless romantic and it really is wonderful to see how happy my friends are. I enjoy knowing that they're being blessed by the company and actions of another person. But there is a point where it becomes too much.
The main point I'm trying to make is that I rarely ever see anyone post about their loved ones without including what that person did for them to drive them to the point of making it a public service announcement.
And that is really sad to me. I think that our society has really put emphasis on all of the things we need to do for our significant others to gain their acceptance and love into overkill. I see more and more jewelry commercials, emails from stores saying "the perfect gift for your loved one!" and so on. And I also think this is why so many people think that they are in "love." We often mistake appreciation for what people do for us as actual love for that person. And I'm not talking about just romantic partners. This goes for friends as well. Instead of getting to know who they really are and appreciating and loving that aspect of them, which is the most important one, we find ourselves growing more and more fond of them because of their actions.  And I think this is why so many relationships and even marriages fail. Taking us to dinner, the infamous "good morning :)" text, jewelry, candy, obnoxious teddy bears, flowers, all that useless crap and really only says "Hey girl, you're at least important enough for me to spend twenty bucks. You're welcome." But girls really fall for this. How pathetic. Because those same guys that are constantly giving presents and all that are usually the ones that have no idea to treat a woman in an emotional sense, so they cover it up with gifts. And the funniest thing to me is that these girls are completely aware of this. I see it all the time. I have so many friends who are with guys that are blatantly rude to them, disrespect them, and obviously do not care about them. They constantly complain about it. The girls are so unhappy with that person, but then they go on a date and all of a sudden that person hung the moon, because he has the ability to pull a debit card out of his wallet and cover the tab. Vomit. Get real. As long as you stay in a relationship that is solely rewarding you with materialistic things, you will never be happy. With my relationship, I find myself thinking how lucky I am at random times, when he has done nothing for me. Because I love who he is. Yes I like going on dates and all that, because I'm a girl, but if I didn't get that I would still be happy. I would still consider myself lucky. I would still appreciate him solely for being there and putting up with me. I can say this because I live it everyday. A long distance relationship isn't easy and it's the least rewarding in a materialistic sense. But I think that I am lucky to be in this situation, it is a constant reminder that what I feel is genuine, and not run by an appreciation for anything but him and who he is. If you can't say the same, you're wasting your time.
Another thing I find ridiculous about relationships is the amount of preparation that often goes into being around other people. If you can't turn them loose in a room full of your loved ones without giving them a run down of how to act/what to say, I hate to break it to you, but all that says to me is that deep down there's something about them that you find to be inappropriate or embarrassing. Why be with someone like that? The point of dating is not to fill a gap where another person belongs, but to find what you do and don't like in relationships, and potentially someone who you will one day marry. If that person can't be around your family when they're being themselves, why would you ever consider making them a part of your family? Blows my mind.
My last main point comes from a spiritual perspective. There's a saying that is really popular right now. "It shouldn't be about who you want to spend Friday night with, but who you want to wake up to on Saturday morning." Don't even get me started. That's terrible. I see where it's coming from, but it's terrible.  I think it should be about who is sitting next to you in the pew on Sunday. "We love because He first loved us." Put God in the middle. Because you WILL NOT last if you don't. I promise. I'm not saying "I think" you won't, I'm promising you won't. It isn't genuine love without the Big Man. And that's all I have to say about that.
Be with someone who appreciates you. And I mean truly appreciates you. Be with someone who supports you, even when it is of no benefit to them. Be with someone who builds you up with not just gifts and kind words but their presence alone.
So, not to put a damper your Valentine's Day, but at least take these things into consideration. Just because the loser you're with gave you a stuffed animal, that does not mean he actually cares about you. If he doesn't make you feel special without spending money, your relationship is the equivalent of walmart. Full of crap you don't need. And nobody likes walmart.

In Five Years Time...

What an interesting topic to suggest for such a scatterbrained girl like me. Perfect. Here goes.

-In five years, I will be 24. I will have (hopefully) graduated from Auburn with my BS in Human Sciences, with a Child Life emphasis. I'll be out of college for a year and probably working somewhere with kids like I am now, while applying for jobs/internships/whatever I can get at hospitals. (I would eventually like to be a Child Life Specialist for St. Jude's... Woah dream big, I know, but I think it's possible. If I don't make it there, I'd be happy to be at any hospital that offers me the opportunity to serve.)  I will probably be back in Houston, there's somethin about Texas I keep coming back to. Love Alabama, it's home, but Texas worked its way into my heart. At this point in life I will have experienced most of my "growing up" life lessons and also, hopefully, have my ducks in a row. But knowing me, probs not. I would like to be in a committed relationship, if not engaged and planning my perfect southern plantation wedding. I know that that seems cliche, I don't care. It's my dream, I'll be in love if I want to. Anyway. At this age I will still be able to take advantage of my mom's benefits with Continental, so I expect that as soon as I graduate I'll be all over the place. It is very important to me that in some point in life I take the opportunity to travel the world by myself. And I know that most people say that, but I'm serious. For real y'all, I'm doin it. 

Now for what really matters.

Yes I need a job, yes I want to get married, yes I'm going to travel. But these are the important things I want for myself in five years.

-I want to be a giver. Since birth, I've been a taker. "Mom, I need money. Dad, fix my bike. Bubby, will you drive me to my friends house...now please. Dan, what the heck is wrong with this computer?" On and on and on. When I'm 24 I'll hope I'll at least be independent enough to take care of myself, but I'd really love to be able to finally start giving back all that has been given to me. Yes I do community service, and give my friends rides places, and actually now that I think about it, I probably do a favor for one of my friends at least twice a day. And even though it can at times be stressful to be the one that people call for help, I wouldn't change a thing. It's just hard being a college student, with such limited time and finances, and give like I'd like to. So, I hope by this time I can be the giver I feel that I was made to be. Financially, emotionally, time wise, all that. 

-I want to be a lover. I love my family. I love all my friends. I love my sisters. I love my boyfriend. I love people I barely know and I love all the randos I meet on a daily basis. But does that really make me a lover? When people think about me, do they associate me with the word love? Do I love others more than myself? And is it an honest, unbiased, truly love-based love? Or is it a selfish love, knowing that if I show that I care, they will do the same? I don't know.  So I hope that in five years, I've gotten over any selfishness I might have deep down and love without wondering if I'll ever get it back in return.

-I want to be an example. I am only nineteen, and even though I feel so old and mature, I know that I am still getting started. I know that there are girls in high school and maybe even my age that look up to me, but I hope that in five years I'm not just a role model, but an example. Because I think there's a difference. A role model is someone who's got their own thing going on, but still a good person, and you can try to be like them, but tailor it to who you are too. An example is an exact display of how something should be. It's just about as perfect as it gets. I do think I'm a good person and I think I'm a good role model. But does that make me an example? I don't think so. But if it does, who am I an example of to others? Myself? That's kinda scary, seeing as I have just recently learned who that is... I hope in five years I'm an example of a Christ, the best that I can be, and not just myself. Because He is perfection. I wanna be a God fearing, smile wearing, cupcake baking, classy southern woman. An example for the children to come in the next few years. Not just a role model.

Now I'm not sure if any of this made sense to y'all, but it does to me. And  I hope that when someone asks you where you want to be in five years, you know more about where you want to be in terms of heart and not success... I hope you have more planned than a job and an apartment to yourself. I hope you know what kind of person you want to be. Because that's what's going to get you somewhere in life, and more importantly, that's what will inspire others.

The Modern Christian

--If you know me, you know that I love Jesus. I love talkin to Him, talkin about Him, and I love listenin to Him. But, if you know me, you also know that I love just about every other aspect of a nineteen year old's life. I don't see much harm in going to the bar with my friends on the weekend. I like a good dirt road country song and prancing around on the beach in my bathing suit with the ruffles- who doesn't love a few ruffles? But what I really can't stand is the line that seems to be drawn between this image of church life, and "real" life. Why do we go to church to act like someone we aren't, when God takes us for who we are? I don't like how families I knew so well growing up acted when I saw them at church, all cross legged in the pew smiling like it was their birthday, but at home they were in their PJs, yelling and bickering over who liked their bacon crispy, and who liked it floppy. Yes, floppy. Why is there this awkward feeling about seeing church members you don't know well in public? I recently saw someone I grew up going to church with while out one weekend. (Now I wasn't best friends with them or anything growing up, but normally if I would have seen them in public there would have been a good five minute conversation or so.) I was not drinking, and they didn't appear to be either, yet when I went up to start conversation there was an awkward "Hey, so good to see you! Hope you're doing well!" Followed by another awkward scamper off into the other direction. This confused me to no extent. I know the bar isn't the most holy of all places but is it honestly that frowned upon by society for a Christian to be in a bar? If so, I cannot express how deeply saddened I am by what our society has made the idea of a Christian to be. So here's where I share what I claim to be.
--I am far from perfect. I catch myself daily thinking "Did I really just say that?" (And y'all, I don't really say things that I don't mean.) I go out on the weekends. I talk about people. People talk about me. And frankly, I often give them things to talk about. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm doing something wrong, and even if I am, I can promise I don't live in regret about it. Wanna know why? Because I'm loved by a God that already forgave me from day one. I've stepped far beyond His plan for my life, but He knew I'd do that. He's not surprised by me. Disappointed daily, yes. But not surprised. What right do I have to dwell in regret when the One who stitched the very fiber of my being says over and over again: "You're forgiven. It's done. Now get on with your life. You have more mistakes to make, and I've got more forgiving to do. Don't hold up the process." It is ridiculous for me to think back on my life and think about everything I've done wrong. I learned recently that it's also ridiculous to keep the people in my life who bring up my past actions in a manner that is intended to put me down. (I'm more than willing to talk about my life, any mistake I've made, and how I've learned from it. I'd be excited to share it with you, actually. That's what the power of His love is about.) Who are those people to hold against me what the Lord has put His blood on? UMM, bye. Nice knowin ya! Sorry I am no longer sorry. They're irrelevant to your life. Your happiness, your future, your sense of self.
--I don't go to church every Sunday, but I make it on occasion. I say prayers about my family, my relationships, my friends, people I don't know, people I barely know, the Toomer's trees, and even Bammers sometimes. Cause I know a few good ones. I sure as hell am not going to stand on a street corner screaming hellfire damnation and telling gay people that God doesn't love them, because He does. He loves them. Shut up about saying He doesn't. Sidenote: As a lover of Christ, it's your job to stand up and say what you're for, not what you're against. That can come later, and it's between that person and the Lord. You are called to share the love of Christ. NOW DO IT. Bottom line. Now I'm not sayin' go out, get drunk, do whatever you feel like doin. I'm not telling you to run around screamin "N0 RegREt$!!!" That's redic. What I'm sayin is that I know that some things I do are wrong, but I'm working on it. I'm not ignoring the fact that I'm sinning, they're habits, and I'm working on it. I think that God can appreciate that. He knows I'm human. He made me that way.  "God loves you just the way you are, but loves you too much to leave you that way." I feel Him tuggin at me, and I'm working on it.
--One very special lady in my life has often come to me in times that I most needed her. It's funny though, because I've rarely gone to her first, telling her my problems, asking what I should do next, seeing what she thinks God is telling me to do. She is time and time again proof to me that God speaks through people. But anyway, one summer I had the blessing of spending lots and lots of time with her. Coincidentally, that summer I also had a lot of second guessing with who I was. I was going through so many changes, and so unsure of what I believed. I flat out will tell you that I doubted God's love for me. I'm sure most everyone has done this at some point, if not often. One day we were at an event together, and during some down time she came over, with that sweet look I knew so well and took me in her arms. "It's the same as it was. I feel like that's what God is telling me to tell you. It's the same as it was." Wow. Boom. There it is. Done. After hearing that, it is impossible for me to doubt His love, because it IS the same as it was. It will always be the same as it was, from the minute He gives us life. It is all consuming, all powerful, unbiased, unwavering, unconditionally powerful and it is fighting for your acceptance.
--The point is that I recognize that God's love for me surpasses anything I'll ever understand. And quite frankly I think it's absolutely mind blowing how some are ashamed of the love of Jesus Christ. I just don't comprehend it! Somebody died for me? Is that forreal? Uh, yes I'm going to make sure everyone knows. How freakin' cool. It is absolutely mind blowing how in all of His perfection, so many are ashamed of Him, yet in all of our sin, He chooses to say "That one is mine." What on earth? Again, are you forreal? What a powerful, unwavering, merciful love we are given. Whatever it is that's holding you back from the love of God- you're making it up. It's not reality. Reality is that God is holding you right now, and it's time to accept that you're better than your actions. They aren't who you are. They're who you've been. Who you are is His. I don't care what kind of beer you drink, what you did this weekend, what you're plannin to do next weekend, what your favorite song is, who your baby daddy is, whatever. You're His. And that's really all there is to it.

Something New

So. We're gonna try this blogging thing out. I have always loved writing- there is a freedom found in it that is matched by very few things in life. I've found facebook and twitter to be annoying because of the negative feedback often found if one posts something even the slightest bit opinionated... people get "offended" by opinions. How funny. Well, again, this is just my opinion, and by all means, please don't get offended by it... but it only takes a second to defriend, unsubscribe, or unfollow me if my thoughts are THAT outrageous and offensive. Since people are too lazy to do even that, I'm thinking I'm safe here on this blog, where it takes at least three or four seconds to click the link or copy and paste into the search bar. Join me if you'd like :)